My Biggest Critic

(Images not mine, found on Google)

These gifs were from an episode I saw of Maron, a show about self proclaimed asshole and pod cast host Marc Maron. This exchange made me laugh when I saw it, so you can see there’s a little bit of ‘dark’ humor. I enjoyed this bit mostly because it’s exactly how I’ve felt at times throughout my life.

I’ve dealt with insecurity, doubt, anxiety, depression, throughout my life but with each encounter being different. In middle school and high school I experienced many high and lows as I navigated through my adolescence: puberty, hormones, pre teen girls being mean to each other, teenagers being general assholes to each other, BOYS, (because what else do teen girls obsess over?!? its the hormones…) and not feeling like I fit in at home or at school. Just a loner in life.

Depression came in the form of being very emotional and feeling that life was so hard when in reality it wasn’t. The emotions ranged from the sadness of why do I have to be different to self loathing. They tried teaching us in middle school to “Just be yourself” but that logic seemed impossible. I just didn’t know how to be myself when I felt attacked for doing just so. Insecurity would tell me “You are weird and no one will like you” or “you are pathetic because you don’t have friends!” A couple of times in middle school I would hide in the girls bathroom at lunch because I had no one to sit with after a group of so called ‘friends’ began to bully me with notes, destroying my locker or shoving me into it. I eventually moved into adulthood and out of my teenage angst and the extension of teenage angst you get in college and after graduation. When wondering if you just wasted four years and will end up working a minimal paying job for the rest of your life. I was lucky and got an entry level job a year after graduating so life seemed to be go in the right direction.

Three months before I turned 25, while working at said entry level job (my first) I became one of five employees whom were laid off due to budget cuts that year. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to live through, like the rug just got pulled out from underneath me. The two months that followed as I job searched, I felt my mental health slowly began to deteriorate. I didn’t feel as emotional as I did as a teenager but some feelings of sadness were present as I mostly felt worthless. When you have no job to get up for in morning you begin to wonder what your purpose in life is? Why am I here if I’m not doing anything? The insecurity kicks in and you think, “I am not enough”. After three months of not working, I finally was able to get hired for a part time job at the local Pizza Hut (when it was still open). I was still considered ‘unemployed’ as I worked there and continued to find something full time. I had less than a year before I turned 26 and would be kicked off my Mom’s health insurance. Working at Pizza Hut, though it was a job, you got to see the true attitudes of people, including the ones still at the organization who laid you off. I felt very looked down upon, like I was nothing. Whenever I had to serve people from my old job, I had to smile and be polite even when they treated me like like I was below them. It was so hard not to tell them, “You could be me right now!”. That year of being unemployed and going through part time jobs before I finally found a full time position one year after the layoff was one my low points in life. I felt worthless and just dead weight as I worked to bring in money to support myself in my apartment. The insecurity went hand in hand with the doubt and uncertainty if I was going to be good enough to work full time again.

Fast forward five years later to me in present day. I have learned that depression can come in a new form I haven’t ever experienced before: with no emotions at all. I have been at my job for over two years, I was very happy to get hired when I did and things were going great. No job is perfect and I’ve had my bad days but they always ended and I carried on by just coming to work and doing my work. When my boss was placed on military leave coming up on two years ago, it hasn’t been the same since. We were appointed an interim director a year ago and thing have been going downhill since then. He truly is the worst I have ever had. It wasn’t until early this year when I realized I could be mentally depressed. I have flash backs to the year I went through a layoff and my anxiety is flaring up as I fear for the worst even when it may not come.

In our culture when we meet someone, one of the first questions asked is, “So what do you do for a living?” What we do defines who we are essentially. Or our worth is tied to what we do for a living. With the changes our new boss is making, the daily works and tasks are being shifted and when I come into work now I feel like there is no point to me being here. Each day gets harder to get out of bed when I feel worthless and no point to me doing what I do. Insecurity pops its head in and I begin to think “I’m not enough” or “I’m not smart or talented enough to do anything worthwhile”. The most frustrating aspect of all of this is I don’t want to leave my organization where I work: I love it and feel like I belong. I want to retire from here someday like everyone I see recognized at our annual employee dinner. I want to be one of those that have done 30-35 years here. It’s a struggle because I feel like I could just not show up to work and it wouldn’t really matter because after the organizational changes, there is no point to me being here anymore. I feel numb and emotionless throughout my work week and it continues to increase with every passing day as there’s no hope of any other openings in another department. My insecurity and lack of confidence will jeopardize my changes of passing an interview. It’s really hard to care about your job or work when the person in charge above you doesn’t give a shit about anyone or anything. I really do feel like I’m stuck with no way out and in the last month after a co worker left, it’s become more clear that I am mentally depressed even when I have so much going for me now. I had to realize that even when I don’t think of death or suicide, the zombie like state isn’t any healthier. I am so scared and sad about those feelings of worthlessness take over my life. I don’t want to end up unemployed in this area like I was five years ago. It really was a struggle to get where I am today and I don’t want to go through that again where I have the rug pulled out from me and I have to start from rock bottom.

This post isn’t to get sympathy or to hear people say, “I’m so sorry” but more of a notice that depression can come and strike in ways you didn’t know it could. You see many sad cases of famous people who struggle with depression or mental illness even with fame, money and success. I hope this post can help connect with others who are in my shoes and are experiencing depression in their adulthood. I also have hope that I’ll figure something else out to feel like my existence has a purpose again. Until then, I know I can’t go on with the feelings I’ve had everyday for a month: “I hate myself”, “I’m not good enough”, “I’m worthless”, etc

Today I was very close to not coming in and just snuggle with my dog Nikki on the sofa. Puppy therapy is very life saving!!


When you’re, the only way to put it, STUCK!!!!

One of the most inspirational things I’ve heard someone say to me within the last year came from a drag queen named Violet Femme. Myself and three gal pals from work went up to Minneapolis last November for a two day shopping event with an overnight in downtown so we could go to a show at Gay 90s. That Friday night was just a couple of days after the 2016 election so the mood was a little grim and it seemed everyone around us was just trying to forget what had happened and have fun. Violet Femme, the MC for the evening, started to speak after the opening dance number and stated, ” I just want all ya to know, this is the most fulfilling thing I’ve ever done! I really mean that, I was once in a rock band called Faggidy Ann! Anyways I just want all of you to know if there’s something that you want to do, any dreams you have, just go on and do it!!” I can’t say enough how much I loved those words and how much they meant to me that night.

I have been lucky to work with two very amazing women who have inspired me so much and will continue on to do so. One of them is the picture of what happens when you work hard: your dreams really can come true. The other is just starting to live her dreams by spending a summer in Europe before attending law school in the fall.

I met up with someone in Vegas who was a part of my Girls Love Travel community on facebook, a local who has done work with her own marketing firm but now is pursuing a makeup and skin company she is passionate about. Living in a huge area like Vegas, it’s easier to be an entrepreneur and make a living that way than it is here in North Iowa where I live. Not impossible to do but a little more difficult. I hope that with more younger people populating the area, much needed change and growth can happen in our region. When I see new businesses and attractions pop up, it excites me and gives me hope for the future.

It’s a love and hate relationship with the area I reside: I love living here in the summer but not so much in the winter. I HATE THE COLD AND SNOW!! It’s an affordable area with two bigger cities a couple hours away with airports that can get me to anywhere in the world. I feel fortunate to have a job, it’s really hard to find employment especially in the town I live in. Its nice to have benefits and access to education, a discounted Y membership and vacation time. As a person who is passionate about anything travel, I love that vacation time.

I still have to work on my dream, I don’t know exactly what it is yet. Well maybe I do, I just don’t believe in saying I’m going to do this or dream of this, I just want to work hard and ‘just go do it!’ I have many more places to travel to, food to eat, even more writing to do. Maybe someday I can have the Carrie Bradshaw life, but more realistically. No one in real life who is a weekly column writer lives in that big of an apartment in NYC and has 40 pairs of Manolo Blahniks that run $500.00 +. Maybe I can travel to places and make a living writing about it and sharing it with everyone. If not make a living, I can just save like I usually do. The extravagant plan I had for this fall will not pan out as plan but maybe I can still plan a smaller trip anyway!

I feel like I’m stuck between what I’m doing and what I could be doing. I don’t want to (can’t either) quit my job but when it’s just not going well, how do you know when it is time to move on? Until then hopefully I can hop on a plane one more time across an ocean before the year is over.

2016 to 2017


I didn’t want to be away too long, but when I haven’t been traveling lately and instead preoccupied up until November with: my regular full time job, a part time job and an online grad class, writing for fun has been pushed aside unintentionally. What ambition was left I began work on a post about women, for women on how awesome we are and all the double standards we face in our daily lives. Then… the election happened. That is all I have to say about that (ala Forrest Gump). During a time where tensions are still high and sides taken, I decided to wait but continue working on the post gradually. It should be for ALL women no matter what their stance; even when it will still be very challenging to not have it cross political lines but such is life.

When the election was all said and over with I decided that even when I may be unhappy with things going on in our country and the world, most of which is far out of my control, I wasn’t going to let things in my life that I CAN control bring me down or make me miserably unhappy. I was also at that time two weeks away from turning 30 and wanted to start this new decade of my life happy, thankful, in control and how wanted it to be.

Luckily where the election fell, I had just completed one grad class and waiting for another to begin. I looked at the things I had going on outside of my 40 hour a week job besides the course: a part time job and the upcoming Rotary Club Dancing With the Stars fundraiser I was in as one of the couples competing. Right away I decided to withdraw from the upcoming online term; instead of starting the class in November I’d wait to take it in February when it would fall within the range of spring semester of campus.

After what seemed like a long time over the previous months while debating the pros or cons over and over again: I knew it was time I quit my part time job. This has helped relieve so much by: allowing me to keep a sleep schedule, less stress by not worrying about hours or how others (mostly men) perceive me (will be touched on more in the article about women for women) or dealing with negativity from others. As I stated before there is enough negativity and toxic people in the world, no longer was my life going to be full of those things. I can’t believe how much more happier I am!

Even though I now had less money coming in, I feel I’m still doing ok in that area. There is so much to be involved in here in our small town of Forest City that keeping you busy can also help you save money. Since I no longer have had to work on Thursday nights: I could now return to being involved in a community organization I had started to the year before:

Forest City Young Professionals

I became involved with Forest City Young Professionals in early 2015 by attending monthly meetings and social functions until I took my part time job and was involved in community theater in early 2016. It has felt good to finally be involved with the group again. The organization is made up of people ranging from ages 22 to mid 30s who regular meet to network, socialize, volunteer and find ways to get involved in our community. We hold a monthly meeting, usually relaxed and informal but still making note of items discussed. These meetings have ranged from basics discussions about to group to having topics and speakers for the nights. Some of the topics have included:

Dinner for Dummies
City Hall and City Council Meetings
Departments of the City with the then Mayor of Forest City
Starting your Own Business
How to Invest
Credit, Finances and Buying a Home

These are just a few. At our most recent meeting we had a speaker from the Toastmasters of Mason City who gave a nice presentation on public speaking and other tips for organizations like ourselves. Young Professionals also do volunteer work: the Forest Theater, AFS Fun Night, Puckerbrush, etc.

Once a month we try and plan a social function that opens up to others in the community outside our organization: trivia night, pub crawls, concerts, hockey games and for this last month of December we had an Ugly Sweater Party at Ay Jalisco Mexican Restaurant: (Why I am wearing a Star Wars Christmas sweater above in my featured image)


If you notice our lovely green mugs in the photo: we had those on sale for $1.00 and with those you got $2.00 draw beers or $5.00 cocktails. Their bar menu for introduced that night for us: (I highly recommend their Blue Margarita!!!)

Brickstreet Theater

I was cast a small part in the Brickstreet Theater performance of Rumors last spring and wanted to continue on as an actor or work behind the scenes. I hadn’t planned on being involved with their December production of A Christmas Story because of everything else I had going on when the show was first organized and put together in September. I got a call the end of November from my friend, also the assistant director, asking if I wanted to help with the lights for the show. I wanted to say yes but was worried about this taking on too big of time commitment. We worked it out that I would share tech week with another light person and then we would take turns running lights for the shows running during the two weeks. After we worked the board, and I got comfortable and had so much fun! I most definitely could run the board by myself for tech week and all performances in the future! (Any Brickstreet people who may read this, please don’t not cast me because you are afraid you wont find a light person! haha I do like operating the light but I love acting and being on stage more! I’m first and foremost an actor! 🙂 I say this with love)

The show’s cast was made up of mostly kids and they did a marvelous job! The set was one of the best I’ve ever seen on that stage. I didn’t realize you could fit all those pieces on to it! I just hope more community will keep attending these shows and how enjoyable they are even if you don’t know anyone in the show! We have a lot of talent in this town and all the kids looked so stinkin cute!!!

Christmas and New Year

Besides Christmas, December was a good month and I mostly spend it in Forest City. Besides me not wanting to travel far with snow and sub zero wind chills there is so much to do and get involved with. We have some good local restaurants and drinking establishments that are unique and unlike anything we’ve had before. Despite critical remarks they are what this town has wanted and needs if we want business to remain local. I love eating the awesome food and margaritas as Ay Jalisco also having a place like Paddler’s Tap in town has been awesome. The change of pace of having a tap house with craft beer separate from your typical lounge or sports bar adds so much variety especially on main street which we have been trying to revive for years! Not saying there is nothing wrong with your neighborhood lounge or sports bars, those are great too but having variety and choices to pick from makes everyone want to stay here majority of the time and not feel like they have to leave town to have fun every weekend.

So now I am excited that 2017 has come and I can start fresh from the messy end of 2016. I’m not really much on New Year Resolutions but I feel the changes and schedule I started to make I can now try and implement on a clean slate that begins with the new year. I hope to continue on with writing and find a routine/schedule that works out the best. Also if I can attend and conferences or workshop that will help improve my writing or my format so I can just keep getting better at doing this. I have been working out regularly but hope to make more of the time I do and add more strength training. I still have stubborn weight that I haven’t been able to lose. I WILL pay off my student loans this year! I want to put more money in my savings. I want to book two more trips besides going to Cancun this month; one state side and one international. I want to hopefully obtain another position at my current place of employment. I want to be involved in more community theater productions but as an actor with a role that has more than two lines. I want to help out with causes and help spread awareness on issues that mean a lot to me: climate change, human rights, equality for women and all minorities, women’s issues, education, etc. Instead of just complaining about it I hope to actually help do something about it.

It’s a new year and a new decade for me, I’m ready for whatever this year and the rest of my 30s are going to bring.

Moment of Truth….

First off apologies this entry is a day late. Things are getting a little busier but will slow down just as quickly as they came. I won’t let another post be late again, unless I go on vacation. In that case I will post a notice that I’m on break.
Ok, so here’s is the report about the month of March. I made it over 31 days and an extra week without having a drop of alcohol or soda, no sweets, no fast food, etc. Since I did it last year it wasn’t much of a struggle and it passed quickly. Between work and practices, I got at least 60-90 minutes of workout time a week. I know if I want more results, I need to spend more time but it’s still not bad. Between commitments I’m glad to get 30 minutes a day instead of nothing.
Half way through the month I decided to weigh myself to see how my progress was going and if I needed to adjust:

9 pounds!

At halfway through the month I already lost what I did last year in the whole month. I didn’t want to rest, I had to keep going to try and lose more before the month was over. Some of it could have been water weight but when all I’ve been drinking is water, it couldn’t have been solely water weight. I tried a new workout class on Tuesday nights at the Y; HIIT Workout. (High Intensity Interval Training) It was only an half hour class but each of the six intervals we did were very intense cardio. Jumping rope for two minutes is a lot harder than it looks! Oh and you will hurt for the following two days after. I would still be doing this class but I have play practice now on Tuesdays and Thursdays up until opening week of the show. Something I can get back into after April.
Anyway, after taking an extra week of cleansing on for women’s troubles: it was finally time to weigh myself to see if I got anywhere close to my goal of 135.

Beginning Weight: 155.2
Weight at end of month: 143.6

Down almost 12 pounds! So I didn’t get down to my goal but I lost more than I did last year. I’ve been told you shouldn’t completely go by numbers on a scale alone but use them as a guide to see if you are moving in the direction you want to. I should try to go by inches or see if I can squeeze into a size 4 pair of jeans I’m trying to get back into again. So there you have it, want to lose weight fast? Cut out drinking, soda, fast food, sweets, basically all things bad for you and work out for at least 30 minutes a day. All things in moderation, it’s common sense. Devote one day a week to go meatless for making sure you get your veggies in! Take a daily multivitamin too!

Post Wellness Month Goals:
1. I will try to get an hour in of working out a day; I will follow the rule of half hour to maintain weight, an hour or more to lose/ton.
2. Another thing I want to do is try and go whole wheat on our pastas and other things like tortillas or buns. We are already wheat bread people and if other breads or tortillas can be wheat as well it would just be a healthier option and eliminate more unnecessary sugars and carbs from our diet.
3. Learn how to Meal Plan and implement it
4. Only drink on weekends, only do it during the week for special occasions with friends.
5. Start doing a little more weight training for toning and to get some upper body strength. I seriously don’t have any and it’s sad! I can’t even do one push up!

Tune in next week as I write about being involved in our local Community Theater, Brickstreet Theater, and our upcoming production of Rumors by Neil Simon.